A Guide to Jew-Stuff for Non-Jew's
Broken toes = bokar tov= good morning in Hebrew
Chow Mein= Amen= "I agree" at the end of a prayer
Mourner's Codfish, Half Codfish, Rabbi's Codfish, etc... = whatever KADDISH you are saying at that moment= prayer said to affirm life, designate a new prayer in the service
Tze Tze Fly= a string of the tzitzit accidentally coming out of a man's fly (yup, I've seen it)
Goygle = a bagel in a horrific fruit flavor (blueberry!) with strawberry cream cheese. Please
Guilty Fish = gefillte fish but you feel guilty not eating it b/c it looks like no fish you have ever seen in your life
Goy-Toy = Your non-Jewish mate
GoyAnnoy = Your non-Jewish mate bugging you for minor stupid things. Ex: "do we have milk?" while looking in the fridge. The reason this is not a "ManAnnoy" is b/c what Jewish house would run out of milk? a STAPLE, no less!
I highly suggest you know your audience before you use these fractured phrases. Some people are just not as funny as we are.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Today is a Friday..the day to get ready for Shabbos. I made a beautiful Pareve chicken potpie. In case you don't know, this means I did not use cream and butter to make a white sauce for the potpie (no mixing dairy and meat together) I used non-dairy creamer and margarine to make a roux, or rather a faux roux . It nearly killed me. I can't even pronounce the chemicals in the non-dairy creamer, which leads me to think about the wisdom of this whole thing. Anyway, the roux morphed into a white sauce, veggies were cooked and the turkey diced. Add faux roux and a ready made pie crust ... VOILA! It looks good.
The wisdom of converting: My beloved is thinking about converting to Judaism. At first I was touched and overjoyed Seems to me that joining The Club has been highly over rated. There is a higher standard of behavior for a convert than one who has the Blessing or Curse to be born Jewish. (To quote Monk "It's a blessing AND a curse") I know that every one of the people on the Bima (the pulpit area) has their car keys in their pockets, ready to drive home after services. For you non-Jew's this is a big no-no in the Orthodox world. See, you are not supposed to "work" on the Sabbath.... which has tumbled into a myriad of "no-no" activities. Now if Dave was to be Club Member he would have to make the promise not to drive. Actually, he would be promising to observe all of the no- no activities. Here is a partial list of "no-no's": driving, cooking, using the phone, sewing, watching TV, using the computer, using the Ipod ...
Plus the added commandments of keeping Kosher, saying the daily prayer's and a spiderweb of minutia, all designed to enhance our spirituality. <sigh> It is overwhelming. It is unwieldy. One can lose there very heart in this maze.
Now let's overlay all of the above with the community standards. The Community Standards. Are you desiring to belong to the Modern Orthodox, Zionist's? Black Hatter's (sort of Alice In Wonderland), crochet kippah's, black kippah's..... and this list does not include all the flavors of Judaism not associated with Orthodoxy.
There are times I want to be Jewish hermit. I am told there is no such thing. So, tonight I will go, have a tribal meeting and continue to carve out that path.
The wisdom of converting: My beloved is thinking about converting to Judaism. At first I was touched and overjoyed Seems to me that joining The Club has been highly over rated. There is a higher standard of behavior for a convert than one who has the Blessing or Curse to be born Jewish. (To quote Monk "It's a blessing AND a curse") I know that every one of the people on the Bima (the pulpit area) has their car keys in their pockets, ready to drive home after services. For you non-Jew's this is a big no-no in the Orthodox world. See, you are not supposed to "work" on the Sabbath.... which has tumbled into a myriad of "no-no" activities. Now if Dave was to be Club Member he would have to make the promise not to drive. Actually, he would be promising to observe all of the no- no activities. Here is a partial list of "no-no's": driving, cooking, using the phone, sewing, watching TV, using the computer, using the Ipod ...
Plus the added commandments of keeping Kosher, saying the daily prayer's and a spiderweb of minutia, all designed to enhance our spirituality. <sigh> It is overwhelming. It is unwieldy. One can lose there very heart in this maze.
Now let's overlay all of the above with the community standards. The Community Standards. Are you desiring to belong to the Modern Orthodox, Zionist's? Black Hatter's (sort of Alice In Wonderland), crochet kippah's, black kippah's..... and this list does not include all the flavors of Judaism not associated with Orthodoxy.
There are times I want to be Jewish hermit. I am told there is no such thing. So, tonight I will go, have a tribal meeting and continue to carve out that path.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A visit from "The Rabbi" ...
February 1st, 2012
I was so fascinated by Rabbi Porter's hands. As he deconstructed our dishwasher to show us the accumulated gook (lovely), I kept looking at his hands. Surgeon's hands, or maybe a pianist. He had no issues with lightening striking him as he ran his hands over our years of trief (unkosher) burnt-on, glommed on grime. And then he washed his hands (quickly too, not like he was removing toxic waste) and that was that.
So, I realized that trief is where we are and Kosher is where we want to be and not to be so dramatic about the whole thing. If you make a mistake you put the dish in the "Box 'O Mistakes" and move on. Dishes to be rekashured later.
Good news! We can keep mostly everything we have and can have it Kashured. There are laws about this sort of thing. So when I hear "law" I think in terms of black and white. You are in or out. Right or wrong. My epiphany last night was this: These laws are about awareness. To elevate our thinking and hearts. So if I am aware and eating purposefully, thanking G-d for this food (which many people in this Country and world do not have), is it reasonable to be less stringent with me than it is for someone who was born and bred into generations of Kashrus ? I suspect they take that for granted...What elevates their thinking ? Lest you think that this was my first epiphany about this sort of thing, let me tell you this: I always come back to this conclusion. I rethink it...I struggle with it. I think it is really mumbo-jumbo dancing around a fire waving magic into my kitchen. <sigh> But, my heart says, try this on for size...see if this fits.
I am quite the human being. Given a choice between sugar and broccoli, I'm going for the chocolate. Given the choice between standing on the street and eating a hotdog from the vendor as I wait for the game to start or purposely preparing and thinking about nourishing my body? Guess what... I'm opting for ease of use and satiating my immediate hunger. This Kosher business (and more about my thoughts on the "business" end of things later) requires me, nudges me, nags me, pulls me along to a thinking process.
Oh us crazy Jews! Always opting for the long drawn out thinking process. Not for the lazy.
So we are starting to take the new things we have bought already and not used to the Mikveh. A sort of dunking process that instills the Holy intent of keeping Kosher. It's kind of cool, except for the part that Dave, being that non-Jew that he is right now, can't do the dunking. But I bet he can do the carrying and schlepping!! So, I will contact my favorite store-keeper and just-so-happens-to-have-a-mikve-in-his-store-for the-dishes-he-sells guy, Joseph, and figure this thing out. BTW, Joe is of Iranian decent and he is a whole story in himself. Lovely man, and I am looking forward to his insight and demeanor as we make our dishes fit for use.
I was so fascinated by Rabbi Porter's hands. As he deconstructed our dishwasher to show us the accumulated gook (lovely), I kept looking at his hands. Surgeon's hands, or maybe a pianist. He had no issues with lightening striking him as he ran his hands over our years of trief (unkosher) burnt-on, glommed on grime. And then he washed his hands (quickly too, not like he was removing toxic waste) and that was that.
So, I realized that trief is where we are and Kosher is where we want to be and not to be so dramatic about the whole thing. If you make a mistake you put the dish in the "Box 'O Mistakes" and move on. Dishes to be rekashured later.
Good news! We can keep mostly everything we have and can have it Kashured. There are laws about this sort of thing. So when I hear "law" I think in terms of black and white. You are in or out. Right or wrong. My epiphany last night was this: These laws are about awareness. To elevate our thinking and hearts. So if I am aware and eating purposefully, thanking G-d for this food (which many people in this Country and world do not have), is it reasonable to be less stringent with me than it is for someone who was born and bred into generations of Kashrus ? I suspect they take that for granted...What elevates their thinking ? Lest you think that this was my first epiphany about this sort of thing, let me tell you this: I always come back to this conclusion. I rethink it...I struggle with it. I think it is really mumbo-jumbo dancing around a fire waving magic into my kitchen. <sigh> But, my heart says, try this on for size...see if this fits.
I am quite the human being. Given a choice between sugar and broccoli, I'm going for the chocolate. Given the choice between standing on the street and eating a hotdog from the vendor as I wait for the game to start or purposely preparing and thinking about nourishing my body? Guess what... I'm opting for ease of use and satiating my immediate hunger. This Kosher business (and more about my thoughts on the "business" end of things later) requires me, nudges me, nags me, pulls me along to a thinking process.
Oh us crazy Jews! Always opting for the long drawn out thinking process. Not for the lazy.
So we are starting to take the new things we have bought already and not used to the Mikveh. A sort of dunking process that instills the Holy intent of keeping Kosher. It's kind of cool, except for the part that Dave, being that non-Jew that he is right now, can't do the dunking. But I bet he can do the carrying and schlepping!! So, I will contact my favorite store-keeper and just-so-happens-to-have-a-mikve-in-his-store-for the-dishes-he-sells guy, Joseph, and figure this thing out. BTW, Joe is of Iranian decent and he is a whole story in himself. Lovely man, and I am looking forward to his insight and demeanor as we make our dishes fit for use.
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